Oh Canada

As I was walking down Water Street one day I spied a dirty little man sitting on the sidewalk, tin cup in hand, humming a tune under his breath. Bending to drop a few coins at his feet I offered a smile and politely asked him what tune had struck his heart on this fine day. Below is his response.

“Well son”, he said in a tired voice, “it’s a very special song indeed. Stay a while and I’ll tell you all about it.”

“Not so very long ago I was just like you. I had a decent job, a car and a nice house. Then one day I checked my mail box and found a bill from the city council saying I owed them taxes for the privilege of living on land that had been in my family for generations. Along with the property tax there was the obligatory additional charge for water services. You see you have to pay to drink water don’t you know, but that wasn’t the worst part, not by a long shot.”

“Included with the bill was a friendly letter informing me that my house and land were being expropriated to build a new roadway. Progress they called it and fight as I might there was nothing I could do about it. My old home wasn’t much on the market, but it was my home and it meant the world to me. The payment I received for being kicked out wasn’t even enough to buy another one, not one you’d want to live in anyway.”

“I was stewing over my problems when I had what I thought was a great idea. I’d buy a houseboat. I’d always wanted to live on one, it would be cheaper than a real house and how could anyone charge me property taxes if I lived on the water? I bought one and moved in as soon as the check arrived from the city’s lawyer.”

“I had been living on my boat for a month or so and loving it. One fine day, a day much like this one, I decided to pull out the old fishing rod and try my luck. The first thing I saw when I pulled in the line was a nice big cod fish. Unfortunately the second thing I saw was an even bigger fisheries officer, speeding toward me at the speed of light.

He informed me that it was illegal to catch cod fish and he wasn’t kidding. Over the following months I spent a lot of my time in court rooms and after using every penny I could beg borrow or steal defending myself I lost my boat. I argued that it was my house, not a boat, but the judge saw it differently.”

“With no place to live and debt enough to smother me I left the courtroom faced with the prospect of living in my car for a while. This was not to be so. As soon as I hit the sidewalk I saw the tow truck pulling away from the curb with my old Honda behind it.

Apparently I had parked in a reserved area and since I couldn’t afford to pay the fine or the impound fees I was left with not even a tin roof to keep the rain off of me. Funny how your mind works but all I could think about was wishing I had my money back for the registration renewal I’d paid a few days before. A registration that would have allowed me to use my car on public roads don’t you know.”

“The next morning, after sleeping on a park bench, I headed off to work where I was immediately called into the boss’s office. Apparently he was not happy with all the time I’d missed at work lately. I informed him that I’d been involved in a court case and was now homeless. He asked me why I had pigeon droppings on my shoulder and showed me the door, permanently.”

“Without a home, car, job or any prospects I decided to take one of the few possessions I had left, my Father’s old hunting rifle and head into the woods. A place where a man can do as he sees fit and answers to no one. I’d start a new life I figured, one without bills, rules or taxes.

I made my way to a nice area outside the city and built a small shack from branches and trees. As I was sitting inside listening to the rumble of hunger in my belly and wondering where I would find a meal, the biggest moose I ever seen stumbled out of the woods right there in front of me. Not thinking twice I grabbed Daddy’s gun and fired one right between his eyes. Good eats tonight I thought.”

“It wasn’t long before I felt like a king, sitting by a roaring fire, the smell of fresh moose roasting away and nothing but stars in the sky. It was then that I heard a crackling in the bushes behind me and turning I saw a local forestry officer who said”,

“Fires are illegal without a permit pal. I’m going to have to write you up. Is that a moose you’ve got there, do you have a license?”

“I suddenly felt very weak.”

“Once again I was before the courts where I was fined for having an illegal fire. The court also determined that since I had not registered my rifle with the gun registry it was illegal, which didn’t really matter much, because they took it away anyway after finding me guilty of hunting moose without a license and out of season.

The fines were massive but with no money to pay them I was tossed in jail for a few months. In the end I was released and upon returning to my little shack discovered that the government, being fully aware of my exploits, had bulldozed it. I heard later that it was because I didn’t have a permit to build on Crown land.”

“It was at that point I just gave up and came down here to sit on the sidewalk. With no residence, a criminal record and no transportation I knew finding a job was out of the question. I figured the best thing I could do was to just sit here and hum my song for a few pennies and the occasional free coffee.”

With a smile on his tired and worn face he finished his story and once again lapsed back into his unintelligible humming. After a quiet moment of reflection that brought a tear to my eye I asked again, “Sir, you never did tell me what the tune is.”

Looking up at me he said, “Sorry son, my mistake. It’s Oh Canada of course. Hell boy, nobody appreciates living in a free country more than I do. Now move along before the cops haul me in for panhandling.”