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Thursday, April 01, 2010

Newfoundland and Labrador to Seize Control of Canada

At a surprise press conference in St. John’s this morning Premier Danny Williams, of Newfoundland and Labrador, unveiled plans to seize control of the Canadian government.

Premier Williams said that, “After 60 years of planning and decades of untold sacrifice by thousands of our people, the time for Newfoundland and Labrador to make its move is finally at hand.”

He went on to say, “Effective at midnight tonight we invade Canada, take control of the government and form the Country of Newfoundcanada.”

Williams, was very open and honest with the 50 or so reporters at the gathering, explaining how the Province’s out-migration over the past decades had been nothing to do with a search for employment but in reality was a strategic placement of over 100,000 covert operatives in key areas throughout the Country. He then went on to name names

Williams identified media expert Rex Murphy as being in position to take control of the national media. He then noted that with Canada’s former top General Rick Hillier in a position to rally Canada’s forces (Newfoundlanders and Labradorians making up the largest percentage from any province) he was finally ready to make this move.

Williams stated that “…our 30,000 plus fisherpersons would lead with a naval attack on Cape Breton and since the people in Cape Breton have much the same accent, cultural influences and unemployment problems as Newfoundland and Labrador, the rest of Canada is not expected to even notice this first wave.”

Of course once Cape Breton has been breeched, it’s a short march across the Canso Causway and into the rest of the Atlantic Canada. According to the Premier this area is expected to fall within days as many citizens are considered largely sympathetic and basically pissed with the rest of Canada anyway.

Although he didn’t mention it, the truth of the matter is that most of Canada probably won’t notice anything out of the ordinary, since they largely ignore Atlantic Canada anyway, until Newfoundland and Labrador’s troops pass out of the Atlantic region and into other parts of the Country.

At this point, Williams said, this is where the genius of the plan really takes flight.

The key will be to attack Ontario and Quebec immediately after securing the Eastern coastline. Soldiers under General Hillier’s command will move into position in the city centers before an order is given to an operative at the Churchill Falls generating plant in Labrador. The command will be given directly from NL-HQ high atop Signal Hill to flip the switch at the mighty Churchill and plunge much of the eastern seaboard of North America into total darkness.

“Immediately afterward our boy Rex Murphy, who will have taken control of the national broadcasting service will go on the air and reassure the general public that the power problems they are experiencing are simply a result of downed power lines and that there is nothing to worry about. He will advise them to remain in their homes and to stay off the streets.” According to the Premier.

Of course while all of this is happening the governments of Canada’s two largest provinces will simply welcome our armed forces in and give them free reign on the streets of Toronto, Montreal and Ottawa where they will be seen as a way to ensure order is maintained. When Ottawa falls, so to does the Nation.

It’s a great plan of course, but Premier Williams noted that he could not take all the credit for its conception. Once again it’s a case of being in the right place at the right time in history.

The reality is that this plan was developed nearly three years before Newfoundland and Labrador entered into Confederation.

It was during a weekend of heavy partying at a local watering hole in downtown Gambo that the late Joey Smallwood and two of his cronies drew up the plan on the back of a purity biscuit box.

From those humble beginnings grew a complex tapestry of lies and deceptions, of cunning exploits and acts of heroism that could not be spoken of outside the Province until now.

It was this plan that started us on the road to Confederation, a road taken to facilitate our covert operations inside Canada.

Much of the credit must also go to every Newfoundlander and Labradorian who sacrificed for the cause inside Canada, waiting for this very moment to arrive.

Williams noted, “After years of seeing our best young men and women leave the Nation of Newfoundland and Labrador in order to infiltrate areas of strategic importance throughout Canada, the wait is over. The vast oil and gas industrial complexes of Alberta have been infiltrated. The chemical and aerospace plants in Ontario and Quebec have been infiltrated. Media, military, universities and factories from one end of Canada to the other have been infiltrated. In fact, there is not one part of the great nation of Canada, including its government, that has not been infiltrated by our operatives.”

The people of Newfoundland and Labrador greeted this news with great joy and the stong belief that it will assuredly succeed. Of that they have no doubt. One individual I spoke with after the press conference happily expressed his belief in the plan by saying, “It has to succeed. The planning has been too well executed not to.”

Many readers may be wondering why Danny Williams tipped his hand just a few hours before the invasion. According to one source close to the Premier, “The truth is that it doesn’t matter. Most people in the rest of Canada never listen to anything said down east and the few who might listen won’t pay any attention to it. It’s just a big joke to them. I bet they won’t even realize the takeover is complete until the see the Newfoundland and Labrador flag raised over the Parliament building.”