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Monday, February 13, 2006

Why are Newfoundlanders so Dumb?

It’s long been said by people in Newfoundland and Labrador that, “everyone else thinks they know better than we how things should be done.” We’ve been given reams and reams of unsolicited advice by “outsiders” for decades, since long before joining Confederation in fact. There have always been plenty of government officials, business interests and even advocates for everything from save the seals to protect the wild bologna who love nothing more than telling us how to live. It’s almost a way of life for many of them.

Maybe they’re right. Maybe we’ve been wrong all along. Maybe, just maybe we are, as many believe, an obstinate, stupid and uneducated bunch of barbarians who simply don’t know how to do anything for ourselves. Maybe we do indeed need to be taken by the hand and given a clear direction. I know what you’re thinking, we’ve survived here as a transplanted European culture for longer than any other in the Americas, but hell that could have been just the result of dumb luck as much as anything else, right?.

I think it’s high time we started listening to those superior intellects in other parts of Canada and the world. It’s time we realized that we’re not capable of managing our own future and it’s time we followed their caring guidance. I feel sure that if we do this our collective future will be a far different one than anything we could possibly attain if left to our own accord.

The first thing we should do is give back all the royalties we earn from our offshore oil industry. The so called national news services based in places like Ontario seem to think the money is nothing more than a hand out anyway so let’s listen to their point of view and simply give it all back. What do we need a few billion dollars for anyway?

The next thing we’ll do is stop complaining about the lack of fish quotas for our local plants. We’ve been a thorn in the side of Canada’s foreign affairs office for decades with our stubbornness over that issue. How can we possibly expect our federal officials to continue brokering backroom deals with places like Iceland and Denmark if we continue to make a fuss about not having enough fish to supply our local industry? It’s really a miracle those wonderful people managed as well as they have over the years what with our meddling causing so many problems for them.

Another big issue we need to address is the seal hunt. We should just stop the seal hunt and move on immediately. Yes, we all know seals aren’t really an endangered species and that they eat tons of fish (without any concern over the fact that some of those fish ARE becoming endangered), but none of that matters. Yes the industry provides work for fishers and furriers alike, but that doesn’t matter either. The only thing that really matters is that the hunt upsets the finer sensibilities of restaurateurs and latte sippers alike in places like New York and Sydney, Australia so let’s give it up folks.

Of course once we start listening to the advice of our betters we can’t stop with a few token acts, no not by a long shot. Our next move should be to give Hydro Quebec and the Ontario government full and free access to develop the Lower Churchill. We also need to stop bugging the oil companies for a bigger slice of the pie in the offshore oil industry. I mean come on, Ontario really needs that source of power, Quebec Hydro wants the electricity for resale and even though the oil companies are making record profits these days they could surely stand to make a little more. What do we want that stuff for anyway?

Our provincial government should go ahead and spend hundreds of millions to build a new generating facility on the Exploits River so they can hand complete control of it over to Abitibi Consolidated free of charge lock, stock and barrel. While we’re at it lets also pass all timber rights in the province over to them like they wanted us to do in the first place. What do we want all those silly trees for anyway, and who cares about the salmon in the Exploits?

While we’re on the subject of natural resources it’s starting to look more and more like INCO is feeling trapped by the deal we forced them into signing over building a smelter in the province. Forget it INCO, we don’t care anymore, go ahead and continue shipping the ore out, we don’t really want any secondary processing here anyway. Fill your boots.

Yes indeed, I think if we started taking the advice everyone keeps foisting on us we would indeed have a much different future. Of course there wouldn’t be any jobs here but that doesn’t matter, we can always resolve that pesky little problem by having the legislature invoke a sort of mainland draft. Much like a military draft we’ll just force our youth to move out of province and work in Ontario factories or Alberta oil fields immediately after graduation. That’s if our simple minded kids can manage to graduate. Those who aren’t bright enough for that will simply have to leave as soon as the flunk out or quit. Many people are forced to move away from the province to find work anyway, the only difference is that we need to legislate it. No big deal.

I can see the future now, a vast treeless desert stretching from coast to coast. Nothing but tree stumps and rocks as far as the eye can see. Just think how much easier that would make it for oil and mining companies to explore and exploit at will. Not a tree standing and not a person living, but a paradise for seals and seagulls alike.

What a picture to behold!

I wonder why we never thought of this approach ourselves, just stupid I guess. Why oh why does it always take someone from the outside to open our eyes and show us the way?


BNB said...

Ya lets do it. We know of course that we are far too lazy to build upon our own stregths... of course there is the scatter exception like the Newfoundlanders who built New York, St. John's was a city when New York was a mud hole - but still can't dwell on the past. We'll ignore also the legacy of the Beothuck, Dorset Eskimo, Innu and Innuit, and Maritime Archaic Indians. We'll forget the riches of the land that brought the Norsemen to the shores of North America. The island land that opened the New World to the Europeans. One of the "four corners of the world" which shares a natural history with the Arctic, Africa and North America. We'll forget the people who lived here year in and year out and built outports and communities that feed the world with our fish, built churches in Europe with our "pine clad hills", created wealth for some of the most influential families of merchants in the world. Marine centres of excellence, a geology, geography and society unique in the world. A land that has grown from poor and starving labourers and fishermen to a place with Artists, poets, scholars businessmen/women that are world reknowned.

But we must be wrong in all that I guess... we've been told so by so many people smarter than ourselves.

WJM said...

The first thing we should do is give back all the royalties we earn from our offshore oil industry. The so called national news services based in places like Ontario seem to think the money is nothing more than a hand out anyway so let’s listen to their point of view and simply give it all back.

Back to whom?

Anonymous said...


I am proud of you.

Admitting your have a problem is the first step toward learning how to spell it.


GreenThumb said...

Uh, maybe cause less than half of you graduate high school and less than a quarter earn college degrees might have something to do with it.

Lack of education usually equates with stupidity.

Anonymous said...

A lot more than a couple of restaurants in NY and Sydney. See the ad in the Hill Times today? Try hundreds in the U.S. and growing everyday. Need a jump?

Two major grocery chains already.

Done any math on the boycott damage? 10-15 times what you make in sealing! And sure, the seals ate all the fish, didn't they? You are just proving your point on the level of intellect in your province.

The boycott will take this draconian policy down.

ISDABY said...

...responses to Myles article show a distinct 'slowness of whit' of the posters (Harry, Greenthumb and anon)...they just don't get the tongue in cheek, sarcasm and whit of the peice. they can only see as far as the bullshit they swallow and regurgitate on behalf of the antisealing lobby.

BNB said...

Spot-on Isdaby LOL My guess is Myles was banking on this little group exposing their own intellectual capacity.

Give them a moment to take the hook from their cheek.

Anonymous said...

Do you proofread for a living? Life must be pretty boring when that's all you have to do.