Noah in Twenty First Century Canada

Recently Newfoundland and Labrador Premier, Danny Williams, announced plans to encourage economic and business growth in the province through reduction of government red tape by 25% over the next 3 years.

In light of this, I thought it might be interesting for everyone to read the following story of the trouble Noah might have if he planned to build his Ark in Canada today.

Various versions of this story have been around for years. An American version appeared in Reader’s Digest a number of years back and I have seen several others since then. This one is based on a Canadian version that appeared a few years back.

And the Lord said unto Noah, “I see the earth is wicked and over populated. Build me an Ark and gather the animals of the land, air and sea two by two. Take with thee only the best of living people and gather all aboard the Ark that they may survive and multiply. Noah, you must show all haste in your task for in six months the rains will begin and all mankind will perish.”

Noah, being a good and devout man, set about his task with all haste and vigor never once questioning his Lord and Master.

This is where the trouble began.

Six months later the rains began to fall. The Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping mightily in his flooded yard. There was no Ark in sight. As lightening flashed and thunder roared the Lord spoke.

"Noah," He roared, "Where's my Ark?"

"Please forgive me, Lord," begged Noah sobbing uncontrollably.

"Things have not gone well, not well at all."

“First the town placed a stop work order on me. They said I needed a building permit and it had to be properly displayed on the job site.”

“I've been arguing with provincial fire and safety inspectors about the need for a sprinkler system and they say I can’t bring people on board unless I have a system in place.”

“My neighbours claim that I’ve violated neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my front yard and that it contravenes municipal height limitations. As a result I’ve spent weeks fighting with the Development Appeal Board over the issue."

"Transport Canada, the Department of Highways and Hydro want a bond posted to cover the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions in order to clear passage for the Ark to be moved to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they won’t listen."

"You wouldn’t believe the problem I’ve had getting wood.”

“I had to get a logging permit but that isn’t as easy as you might think because there's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the departments of forestry and environment that the reason I needed the wood was in order to save the owls. No go!”

"When I began to gather the animals I was sued by multiple animal rights groups. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will and told me the accommodation was too restrictive. They said it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in such a confined space."

"The Workplace Safety Commission shut down the job site for nearly a week because of all the animal droppings in the area. They said it was a slip and fall nightmare and if any of my workers were injured I'd be liable."

"After all of this, Environment Canada decided that I could not build the Ark without first filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood."

"Then the local town engineers wanted a map of the expected flood plan. I sent them a globe - and they went ballistic!

“I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many visible minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew and now the trade unions are on my back. Apparently I can’t use my sons to help me build your Ark. The unions say I have to use unionized resources with Ark building experience.”

"To make matters worse, Canada Customs and Revenue have seized all my assets. They claim I'm trying to leave the country illegally, without a valid passport and with several endangered species.”

“Forgive me Lord, but at this rate it’s going to take me at least ten years to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared and the sun began to shine. A rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder.

"You mean you're not going to destroy the World Lord?" Noah asked.

"No," said the Lord. "Your government already has!"