Political Heaven or Democratic Hell?

Not so far into the future the day finally arrives when Stephen Harper shuffles off this mortal coil and, as we all must, arrives at the pearly gates to learn his fate for all of eternity.

'Welcome to forever,' says kindly old St. Peter as he greets the one time Prime Minister in a Fatherly sort of way.

“Thank-you St. Peter” the former Mr. Harper responds. “I’m glad to see I made it to Heaven. Then again I knew I would after so many years of public service to my fellow man.”

“Not so fast,” replies St. Peter. “I have orders from the Big Guy Himself in how I should dispense with your special case.”

“Since you have spent your lifetime working in a democratic environment, where people are free to choose their future as they see fit, I’ve been ordered to give you a choice rarely offered. You have a choice between spending an eternity in Heaven or in Hell,” St. Peter says. “It’s your call.”

“Well, that’s an easy choice,” replies Harper, “I choose Heaven of course”.

“Unfortunately it’s not that easy,” continues St. Peter, “you see all you think you know about the afterlife comes from what you’ve read or heard from others while on earth. In order to make sure you have a full understanding of the choice placed before you God has ordered that you spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Only after you have done this will you be able to make an informed decision on your future.”

'But I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' Harper replies.'

I'm sorry. But we have our rules,' Peter interjects. And, with that he escorts Harper to an elevator where he goes down, down, down...all the way to Hell.

When the doors open Harper finds himself standing at the edge of a lush golfcourse. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 23 degrees. In the distance is the most stately and beautiful club house he has ever seen.

Standing near him are dozens of people he has known and worked closely with in the past. All of whom have pre-deceased him of course.

Brian Mulroney smiles knowingly and waves him over for a chat.

Ryan Sparrow is lining up an easy 2 foot putt while past cabinet ministers and caucus members look on dressed in the most expensive clothing, sipping cool drinks and simply enjoying the perfection of a marvelous day.

As Harper approaches, one by one they begin to turn toward him with welcoming smiles and warm handshakes the likes of which he never experienced in all of his years on earth.

Eagerly they surround him and begin to reminisce about the good times and how they helped shape the future of an entire Country. Eventually they invite him to join them in a round of golf where he discovers that he simply cannot miss a shot no matter how difficult it might seem. He finishes with a score that would be the envy of even the best PGA pro.

Near the day’s end they all retire to the club house where they dine luxuriously on the juiciest Nova Scotia lobster and Alberta beef ever to grace a dining plate, all washed down the most expensive French wine which flows throughout the meal like tap water.

Finally the Devil himself arrives for an after dinner cognac and personally offers his guest a snifter to finish off the evening.

“Really I can’t, says Harper. I’ve imposed enough.

“Don’t be so foolish my friend”, says the Devil. “This is hell. Despite what you may have heard to the contrary we are all friends here. We look out for one another. You can eat and drink to your hearts delight. You’ve led a long and eventful life and you deserve a break. It’s your turn to reap the benefits of all your hard work. Believe me it just gets better from here.”

Harper takes the cognac and sips it slowly as he listens to a joke or two as told by the Devil himself, realizing that, in spite of his reputation, the prince of the underworld is really not such a bad fellow after all.

Before he knows it, it's time to go. Everyone gives the former Prime Minister a big hug and waves as he hesitantly steps onto the elevator and heads upward toward Heaven.When the doors open, he is once again greeted by St. Peter who informs him that it’s now time to visit Heaven.

Once inside the pearly gates Harper is left to hang out with large groups of honest, good natured and well meaning people for a full 24 hours. During that time the residents of Heaven sit around in flowing robes and simply enjoy each other's company while talking about beauty, philosophy and the daily activities of the mere mortals below them.

There is not a stiff drink to be had, no lush golf course to play on and no fancy clothes to wear. Yes, the food is good but it’s by no means lobster or prime steak and the worst part of all is the fact that most of the residents appear to be from a poorer class than he would prefer to associate himself with.

He doesn't see anybody he knows and isn't even treated like someone special!

With the day done, St. Peter returns and says, 'Well Stephen, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now must choose where you want to live for all of eternity. Please pick your future."

With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme music playing softly in the background, the former Mr. Harper reflects on his fortunes for a minute or so. Then answers:

“Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all --but I really think I belong in Hell with all of my friends.”

“I thought you might feel that way”, replies St. Peter who gently escorts him to the elevator where once again he descends down, down,down, all the way to Hell.

When the doors open this time he finds himself not on a lush golf course but instead in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste. A place every bit as desolate as the hottest Arab desert, but worse, far, far worse.

The former Harper is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in filthy rags and chained together, picking up roadside rubbish and dead animals before placing the vile refuse in black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, their faces and hands blackened with putrid grease and grime. As he stands there speechless the Devil comes over and puts an arm around his shoulder.

“I don't understand,” stammers a shocked Harper, “Yesterday when I was here there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and drank cognac. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland and nothing is as it seemed back then”

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, “Didn’t St. Peter tell you that God wanted you to exercise your democratic right based on freedom of choice?”

“Well, yes, but things seemed so different yesterday, this is not what I wanted”, Harper whines.

“Oh, yes but you see yesterday we were Campaigning for your support. Now that you’ve made your decision it’s back to business as usual. Thanks for your vote by the way.”